cringe

I have some sort of charm that attracts freaks. At the office I'm currently temping in, I have been singled out by the chester-molester-middle-aged-creep. Everytime he passes my desk he stops to chat, and I'm not talking the normal "How you doing today?" Yesterday he spent about 20 minutes asking me why I don't have a boyfriend and what I look for in a man. I painfully rummaged up some character traits, and then he asked, "What about goofy? Do you like goofy?" Apparently he considers himself goofy. Then he told me he likes his wife because she has big boobs. I wish I was joking, but he actually said that. [I'd like to make a side note, that asking someone why they don't have a boyfriend is really irritating. What the fuck do you think? I don't have a boyfriend because I prefer to live a sad and lonely life?] When two other guys passed by my desk and witnessed the scene they said jokingly, "Stop harassing the temp." Once they were out of sight he said under his breath, "Fuck you both." He said it with complete seriousness. I'm so glad I have a sign on me that says "Office rejects welcome."

Here's the catch, though. His wife is the head of the internship program at the National Endowment for the Arts and he's told me it's his mission to get me employed there. So, I have to humor his sick mind. I temped here for a day about a month ago and he told me he hasn't stopped thinking of me. I hope he meant in an employment kind of way. So now I have to wonder. Does he actually have the means of getting me a job at the NEA, or is he just using it as an excuse to win my affection?

He's kind of oblivious, too. He asked me twice in one day whether or not I have siblings. First of all, why does he care? Second of all, I already answered the question. When I told him he had already asked me that, he said "Oh. Well, I think I have a mild case of schizophrenia." [I'd like to make another side note to say that schizophrenia seems to be everyone's justification for a little abnormality. Being forgetfull is not schizophrenic. Being indecisive is not schizophrenic. Changing moods is not schizophrenic. Schizophrenia consists of two things. 1) hallucinations, and 2) delusions. It's the inability to distinguish what is real. It's not multiple personality disorder, either.]

I've yet to see him today, but I'm bracing myself for some more uncomfortable flirtation. In terms of inappropriate office chit chat, this guy is right up there with the woman who told me she wanted to abort all four of her children.

stop bitching

While I was on my lunch break the other day I had an encounter in the street. There was a girl soliciting people, trying to sell art propaganda. She lives in a commune in West Virginia with artists of every kind. She was selling a magazine they publish, clothing that they silk screen with sayings like, "Stop Bitching Start a Revolution," and some bumper stickers and books. While I normally avoid solicitors, I decided to stop and see what she was all about. She was so perky and eager to talk about their "mission." When she saw that I didn't share her enthusiasm she looked at me with what seemed like pity. I'm sorry, but not all of us can live in an art-induced bubble of idealism. It's called the working world. I ended up buying a magazine and after reading came to the conclusion that this commune is nothing short of a cult. They live by one man's teachings, named Zendik. The whole magazine is excerpts from him. I found that creepy. He calls his philosophy Life Art, and says that it does not bring enlightenment, it IS enlightenment. Anyways, my irritation lies with this girl. She was so damn happy and had to project this blind happiness on all of us who actually have bills to pay. Who put on uncomfortable clothes and sit at a desk from 9-5. Give me art that stems from this world. Cold, depressed, bitter reality. Okay, I'm not really that cynical, I was just disappointed that she couldn't understand why I wasn't high on life with her. What kind of artist is she? But maybe I should stop bitching and start a revolution.

"wholesome values"

A musician is not allowed to come out with a "greatest hits" album if his debut album is from 1999. Apparently Ja Rule just came out with one? Has he really had that many hits? Create something new.

I've decided on my ideal job...working for the National Inquirer. How much fun it would be to create stories like "Jessica Simpon's true past is uncovered---her father the preacher was sexually abusive!" Buying into people's stupidity has always been the secret to success, right? I mean it worked for our president.

Speaking of the Republican party I have some scary information about what lengths they will go to to infiltrate the country. Apparently, they are unhappy with the liberal "bias" of our press. So, they have created an entire national internship program for young Republicans to start taking over the system. That's what Fox News if for. Leave the rest of us alone. One such intern is currently working at my mom's office. She graduated from Princeton and thinks she's God's gift to the world. It just goes to show how much more organized the conservative party is. That's why they run the country. They're ruthless in a way liberals are not. Perhaps because liberals have a conscience. In my understanding there are only two reasons why someone is a conservative: 1) they're ignorant, or 2) they're self-serving. I think the majority of our country falls under category number one. If you are poor and really understood Bush's policies towards welfare, health care, etc. there's no reason in hell you should be voting for him. But unfortunately, they are sold by his wholesome "values." Can someone please tell me what these wholesome values are? They're obviously not life and freedom. Okay, okay, I'll stop the political lecturing.

job shmob

Creating a resume is a true act of creativity. Especially when it comes to titles. You could have been working at McDonalds, but with the right wording you were the "associate salesman" who "balanced monetary transactions" and "assisted in the distribution of food." And cover letters. Is it really necessary to say that you're an "organized and flexible worker, with a desire to contribute to the company...?" I mean, you're clearly not going to write that you're lazy and irresponsible, no matter how lazy and irresponsible you really are, so what's the point?

These are my thoughts on the job searching process, which I now so diligently have undertaken. But the most depressing part is reading the employment section of the paper, where the number of shitty jobs that you know someone will have to take are in abundance. Like being a customer service rep for "towing services," or doing data entry for a "database management firm" (fancy words for we-enter-numbers-into-a-computer-that-have-no-purpose). My favorite job is the "Baker's Assistant," in which experience is mandatory. They can't risk having someone in the kitchen who doesn't know how to roll out dough.

And then you see it. The one job in the entire paper that appeals to some fraction of your being and you read that it requires 4-6 years experience. And all you have is a B.A. with some summer internships. Oh, the sweetness of life.

The Facebook

I have no life. I am pathetic. It's 4 a.m. and I have just spent the last two hours browsing the Facebook. It's endless entertainment. I thought I would make some observations:

To those people who have no picture and three words in their profile I say stop being so high and mighty and give us something to read. I'm bored. I didn't pull up your profile to learn your email address. I pulled it up so I could stalk. (I heard that friendster has a new feature that lets you see who has viewed your profile. Say it isn't so! What harsh punishment for wanting to know your crush's favorite movie.)

Another observation: What the hell does "I don't even know what a quail looks like," mean? If you don't know what I'm talking about go open your list of "friends" and scroll to the bottom. My only explanation is that it is an intentional absurdity created only to cause confusion and possibly humor. I most definitely am confused.

Another thing: If you're out of college and your picture involves you drinking alcohol you're lame. It was barely tolerable when you were in college. I'm sorry.

Another thing: I do not deny that I am lame.

Another thing: If you list more than five artists under "favorite music" you're annoying. Pick one. No one wants to read an endless list that includes basically every decent musician throughout history. Not even a stalker at 4 a.m.

Another thing: The previous rule goes for all other "favorite" lists.

Another thing: Humor is far more enjoyable than truth.

Another thing: To those people who have friends at every college in the country I say well done. You clearly understand the value of facebook.

And finally: When it is someone's birthday, in the very least, post a message on their wall. There is nothing more exciting than discovering you've been facebooked.

Family Ties

Thanksgiving is always a lovely holiday. My grandmother, in particular, makes it so. She always manages to steer conversation towards inappropriate ends. For example, my two older sisters were being interrogated by the family for not having gotten pregnant yet (they're 27 and 31). People were telling them that the older they get the harder it will be to conceive, and my grandmother tactfully said, "Oh, that's nonsense. I got pregnant at 42 and had an abortion." Nobody batted an eye, of course, because we've heard worse. Later, she let us all know that she was wearing her good Nordstrom's bra, along with a thong. I think that was my favorite outburst of the night. Another time, she made a reference to her son that committed suicide about 12 years ago by waving her hand and saying, "What are ya gonna do. Ha!" She's my favorite person in the extended family. She wears leopard print pants and gives my sisters and me skimpy lingerie for Christmas. My grandfather doesn't fall short of second when he toasts our Thanksgiving meal, "To Hell! May the stay there be as good as the way there!" He's half deaf, half blind, yet downs martinis like water and chain smokes. My grandparents are what I want to be when I'm 80. After having lived that long why not be outrageous and debauched?

(Having mentioned abortion earlier, I thought I would take the time to reveal the secret of all women: abortion. Five women in my family have had abortions. I won't name who they are for reasons of privacy, but I will say that most of them happened before Roe v. Wade and were horrific. I would prefer to think that everyone reading this is pro choice, so I won't preach about self-righteous Christian fundamentalists. My point is only that you'd be surprised by how many women you know have secretly had abortions. Start by asking your mother.)

Back to the topic of Thanksgiving. It's always a wonderful thing when family get together to reminisce about abortion, suicide, and hell.

moment of bitter...cold

who conspired to have us lose an hour of daylight in the winter? as if the cold isn't bad enough. when i was little i thought that snow was nature's way of creating beauty out of misery, but now i think anything below 60 degrees is just evil. it's days like these that i wish a woman's hairless body wasn't the standard of beauty. just another conspiracy.

psychiatrists are just drug dealers. pharmaceutical bitches. i've been trying to find a new pdoc since i moved back home and this morning's meeting was just another testament to thier stupidity. i say i suffer from fatigue and he suggests narcaleptic medicine. that would move the number of pills i take daily up to 5, nevermind the absolute stupidity of taking narcaleptic meds. and they're the ones who diagnosis drug abuse as a debilitating illness. haha.